Joker's Night Before Christmas
by randomplotbunny
Summary: A retelling of 'A Night Before Christmas' by the Joker. Batman/Joker Rated for imagery. Now with added sing-a-long chapter!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own Batman or The Night Before Christmas**

Twas the night before Christmas

And all through the manor,

Not A gadget was chirping

Not even a Batscanner.

The villains were locked

In their asylum with care,

With visions of Batarangs

Wizzing through the air.

Bats in his Kevlar,

And I in my slacks,

Had just settled in

For a long evening of Whacks!

When out on the town

There arose such a laughter,

From Joker Bombs bursting

And spraying their powder.

Away to the rescue

Bats flew like a flash,

To administer the antidote

And put a stop to the gas.

The look of distress

On the face of my Bat,

Made this clown giggle

And give a tip to his hat.

When out of the night

What should my wandering eyes see,

But a pissed off Bat

Come to pound on little old me.

With Kung Fu moves

So lively and quick,

I knew in a moment

This Bat was no trick!

More rapid than eagles

His punches they came,

And he spoke and he shouted

And called me every name:

"You bastard! You fiend!

You murderous clown!

I'll break you! I'll stop you!

I'll teach you to frown!

To the top of the tower!

To the top of the hill!

I'll beat your face in,

And make you feel ill!"

With a grin I did turn

And down an alleyway ran,

To my getaway car

Well, more like a van.

So off through the roads

I sped with all my might,

Only to be followed

By the one and only Dark Knight!

And then with a Bang!

And to my dismay,

I got a flat tire

And drove into a display.

As I leaned back my head

And was turning around,

Out popped the Batman;

Who was on me in a bound!

He was dressed all in black,

From his head to his foot;

But his armor was stained

With both blood and soot.

A bunch of new toys

He had slung on his belt,

Like a pair of Batcuffs

I had never before felt.

His eyes how they smoldered!

His furry! How merry!

It made my heart pound,

And wish to give my black cherry.

As I stared at his mouth

How my pants they did tighten,

Like his fingers on my throat

Trying to frighten.

His leg it did shift

And my arousal he felt,

Making him leap up quick

And give a sound like a yelp.

He had a flushed face

And with a stutter he spoke,

To ask if it was real

Or just another joke.

Slowly I stood

And made my way over,

Looking him up and down

I gave him the once over.

With a wink of my eye

And a twist of my head,

I soon gave him to know

He had nothing to dread.

I spoke not a word

But went straight to my work,

Dropping to my knees-

But he pulled away with a jerk!

And laying a finger

Aside of his nose,

And giving a nod

Into the air he rose.

Away he did grapnel

Across Gotham he did soar,

So I stole me a car

Whose engine did roar!

And I exclaimed

As I sped out of sight:

Merry Christmas to all,

And he's MY Bat Knight!


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own Batman, Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer, Santa Clause is Coming to Town or The Twelve Days of Christmas.**

)

)

_Joker the Green-haired Mad Man_

)

You know Harley and Ivy

And Hatter and Penguin,

You know Riddler and Two-Face

And Scarecrow and Firefly;

But do you recall

The most famous villain of all?

)

Joker, the green-haired mad man

Had a very horrific plan,

And if you ever saw him

You'd laugh 'till your eyeballs ran!

)

None of the other villains

Would take him seriously,

They never thought the Joker

Would commit crimes of the century!

)

And then one dreary Christmas Eve

Batman came to say:

"Joker with your crimes so high

You're going to Arkham tonight."

Now all the villains loved him

As they shouted with glee:

Joker, the green-haired mad man

You'll go down in history!

)

)

_Joker Clause is Coming to Town_

)

Oh, you better watch out,

You better not cry;

You better not shout,

Or he'll know where you hide.

Joker Clause is coming to town!

)

He'll poison when you are sleeping,

He'll stab you when you awake.

He knows if you've been bad or good,

And says to be bad- for goodness sake.

)

Oh, you better watch out,

You better not cry;

You better not shout,

Or he'll know where you hide.

Joker Clause is coming to town!

Joker Clause is coming to town!

)

)

_Batman's Twelve Days of Christmas_

)

_ (AN: I'm going to start it on day twelve and work my way down, this is after all a really long song.)_

_On the twelfth day of Christmas my true lover gave to me:_

_Twelve Mangled Corpses _

_Eleven Really Bad Puns_

_Ten Mocking Nicknames_

_Nine Too-wide Smiles_

_Eight Murder Attempts_

_Seven Assassinations_

_Six Jealous Rants_

_Five Joker Bombs_

_Four Blown-up Fairs_

_Three Robbed Banks_

_Two Acid Burns_

_And a Laughing Joker Just For Me! _


End file.
